1 00:00:07,719 --> 00:00:09,439 Okay. Change of plan. 2 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:11,199 Secretary of State wants to do the interview in front of the sign 3 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,000 so you're gonna have to just bog off, okay? 4 00:00:13,039 --> 00:00:15,320 Morning, Olly, how's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all? 5 00:00:15,359 --> 00:00:18,800 No. I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung under. 6 00:00:18,839 --> 00:00:22,839 First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted till, I'd say, seven? 7 00:00:22,879 --> 00:00:25,199 Yeah, well, I do have a life, Olly. 8 00:00:25,239 --> 00:00:29,280 Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. 9 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,920 What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? 10 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,280 -Morning. -OLLY: Hello. 11 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:37,880 Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? 12 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,560 No, I had to get in early anyway because the BBC man's coming. 13 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,679 Are you wearing trainers? (CHUCKLES) You are wearing trainers. 14 00:00:44,719 --> 00:00:46,600 -Yes. -Yes. 15 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:50,640 (CHUCKLES) If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like. 16 00:00:50,679 --> 00:00:53,920 -Well, I don't see there's any... -This colour for healthy breath. 17 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,640 -Morning. Morning. -Oh! 18 00:00:55,679 --> 00:00:57,640 -Do please let me... -Oh! 19 00:00:57,679 --> 00:00:59,600 -Thank you very much. -Would you like me to take your coffee? 20 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,600 Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you. 21 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:03,399 -Hmm. -Well, it will dehydrate you. 22 00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:05,799 -Good-o. -Mojito Murray, they now call her. 23 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,200 You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. 24 00:01:08,239 --> 00:01:11,000 She's like Gazza at Euro '96. 25 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:12,519 (MIMICKING GULPING) 26 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:13,799 I really love the division of labour in this place. 27 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,519 I like the way the women do the heavy lifting 28 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,400 and the men do the heavy sarcasm. 29 00:01:17,439 --> 00:01:20,480 Would you like some help with your makeup? 30 00:01:20,519 --> 00:01:22,400 -Um... I'm wearing makeup. -OLLY: What? 31 00:01:22,439 --> 00:01:25,319 NICOLA: So this interview, who's coming? TERRI: Ten O'Clock News? 32 00:01:25,359 --> 00:01:27,000 Okay. Who? Nick Robinson? 33 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,480 Not Nick. He's away with the PM on the world tour. 34 00:01:29,519 --> 00:01:32,159 -No it's... It's Gavin. -Gavin Esler? 35 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,439 Gavin Boyes. 36 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:37,000 -Who the hell is Gavin Boyes? -Well, he's up and coming. 37 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,599 In what? Gay porn? 38 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,519 I'm launching the Fourth Sector Initiative. 39 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:42,400 It's the centrepiece of my political career. 40 00:01:42,439 --> 00:01:45,719 I don't want to do it with some fucking Newsround press packer. 41 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,799 It says here on Google 42 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:51,920 that Gavin Boyes is the State Wrestling Champion 43 00:01:51,959 --> 00:01:53,799 for West Virginia. 44 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,400 The launch tonight, Terri, how many journos have we got coming? 45 00:01:55,439 --> 00:01:57,640 We've got confirmed four. 46 00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:58,719 -Four? -Four? 47 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:00,200 That's one per sector. 48 00:02:00,239 --> 00:02:02,319 This is not something that we are ashamed of. 49 00:02:02,359 --> 00:02:04,120 We're not launching a new leper colony. 50 00:02:04,159 --> 00:02:06,680 Okay. No problem. I'm just going to go down and collect Gavin 51 00:02:06,719 --> 00:02:08,919 and his boys. 52 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,800 -Welcome to DoSAC, Gavin. Yes. -Thank you. 53 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,120 -Gavin Boyes? -Yeah. 54 00:02:12,159 --> 00:02:15,800 I'm Glenn Cullen. No need for me to get up. 55 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:17,080 Right. Nice to meet you. 56 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:18,919 Gavin seems very nice, very young... 57 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,960 Oh, good. Is this the way to the face-painting tent? 58 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,599 I was hoping I could be a tiger, maybe. 59 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:25,599 I told you you'd overdone it with the makeup. 60 00:02:25,639 --> 00:02:28,960 Nicola, honestly, with the lights, you do need a lot on. 61 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,479 Take a bit off, really. 62 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:31,639 I'm going to start slurring my words in a minute. 63 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,240 It looks great. 64 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:34,919 -NICOLA: Gavin Boyes. Hello. -Gavin Boyes. Hi. 65 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,120 -Just pop you over there. -Yes, of course. Yeah. 66 00:02:37,159 --> 00:02:38,280 Well, let's start with an easy one. 67 00:02:38,319 --> 00:02:39,840 -Uh... -Just relax. 68 00:02:39,879 --> 00:02:42,360 -Yes, I was. Thank you. -Nicola, just relax. 69 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,280 So, Secretary of State, could you explain in brief 70 00:02:44,319 --> 00:02:46,280 what your launch tonight is all about? 71 00:02:46,319 --> 00:02:48,439 Well, Gavin, the Fourth Sector is really about 72 00:02:48,479 --> 00:02:52,280 empowering ordinary people to give a little bit extra 73 00:02:52,319 --> 00:02:56,000 and thus create something extraord... 74 00:02:56,039 --> 00:02:57,400 I'm so sorry. Can I just... 75 00:02:57,439 --> 00:02:59,360 -Just one second. Sorry. Terri? -You all right? 76 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,479 (WHISPERS) You're very close and you're just kind of staring at me. 77 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,000 Sort of a big dead-eyed shark and it's making me tense. 78 00:03:04,039 --> 00:03:05,479 Sure. Sure. 79 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:08,199 Sorry. Where were we, Gavin? 80 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,879 So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? 81 00:03:10,919 --> 00:03:15,560 What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? 82 00:03:15,599 --> 00:03:18,319 He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? 83 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,000 -Is it a Malc plan? -Could be. 84 00:03:20,039 --> 00:03:22,639 Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. 85 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,400 Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? 86 00:03:24,439 --> 00:03:26,159 What are you going to do when the shit goes down, then? 87 00:03:26,199 --> 00:03:28,479 Oh, plenty of options, Olly. 88 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,520 You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? 89 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,240 Don't you worry about me, Olly. I've got contacts. 90 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,199 What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? 91 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,800 Are you big in Japan or something? 92 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:42,159 What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? 93 00:03:42,199 --> 00:03:46,000 I am going to stand in the election. 94 00:03:46,039 --> 00:03:47,800 Are you... Are you serious? 95 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:52,280 I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support 96 00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:54,639 for the Ilford East long list. 97 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,360 Fucking hell. 98 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,560 You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? 99 00:03:59,599 --> 00:04:01,800 "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that? 100 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,280 Actually, 101 00:04:03,319 --> 00:04:04,960 I'm pretty excited about this. 102 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,439 Sort of hard to take on board. 103 00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:09,039 It's like being told your dad's gay or something. 104 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,000 I am strangely really proud of you. 105 00:04:11,039 --> 00:04:14,479 The Prime Minister fully endorses my Fourth Sector Initiative. 106 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,199 I know that's something he's really squarely behind. 107 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,360 Surely you can't ignore the naysayers who say he's a lame duck. 108 00:04:20,399 --> 00:04:22,000 He's not fit for the job. 109 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,680 I believe that Tom is absolutely the best man for the job, 110 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,000 and I think we should all just let him get on with doing that job. 111 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,920 What's morale like in the party? 112 00:04:29,959 --> 00:04:32,959 Sorry, um, one sec. I said best man for the job, I think, didn't I? 113 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,639 I need to say "best person". 114 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,160 It's kind of the same. I mean, you'd have to be 115 00:04:36,199 --> 00:04:38,319 very PC to pick a hole in that. 116 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:40,240 So you don't want to give the impression that you'd like to see a female leader. 117 00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:43,040 Uh, I mean, yes, absolutely. At some point 118 00:04:43,079 --> 00:04:44,639 I would love there to be a female leader. 119 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,319 But that point isn't reached yet, you know. 120 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:49,279 And I believe that the current Prime Minister 121 00:04:49,319 --> 00:04:53,160 is absolutely the best person, 122 00:04:53,199 --> 00:04:56,120 -uh, for the job. -TERRI: Yeah. Yes. Yes. 123 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,199 -Yep. Got it. -Best person for the job. 124 00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,720 -Great. -You did get that, did you? 125 00:04:59,759 --> 00:05:01,399 -You got the end? -Yeah. Yeah. We got all we need. 126 00:05:01,439 --> 00:05:03,120 -Thanks very much indeed. -Okay. 127 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:04,639 (MOUTHING) 128 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,480 It was perfect. 129 00:05:06,519 --> 00:05:09,360 It wasn't perfect 'cause I said best man and then I corrected to person. 130 00:05:09,399 --> 00:05:11,000 You just kept going, "Uh!" 131 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,079 I wouldn't, you know, give it a second thought, honestly. 132 00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:16,800 Yes, well, give our very best to John Craven and Dexter Fletcher. 133 00:05:16,839 --> 00:05:18,120 Right. So, Ben Swain, 134 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:19,959 the man you love to hate and love to sack, 135 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,279 actually, is on his way up. 136 00:05:21,319 --> 00:05:24,759 Oh, great. I'm flypaper for dickheads today. 137 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:26,519 Right. I'm going to get out of this funeral suit 138 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,600 and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. 139 00:05:28,639 --> 00:05:31,519 GLENN: Ah, the prodigal Swain returns. OLLY: Ben 10! 140 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,920 Benstrual cycle. Ben on the 4th of July. 141 00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:35,399 Olly put the kettle on, 142 00:05:35,439 --> 00:05:38,519 on the good ship Olly-pop, Olled Lang Syne... 143 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,240 How are things going at the, uh, 144 00:05:40,279 --> 00:05:41,639 Department of Education Education Education? 145 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,319 There's shit going up the foot pump, Olly. 146 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,040 Mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics. 147 00:05:45,079 --> 00:05:46,439 Well, Robin Hood was a hero. 148 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:47,839 No, he was not a hero. He was a terrorist. 149 00:05:47,879 --> 00:05:50,439 You're just stealing from the Education Department 150 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,360 and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. 151 00:05:52,399 --> 00:05:53,920 This Back On Track Policy that you launched 152 00:05:53,959 --> 00:05:55,800 at your little chimps' tea party last night, 153 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:57,680 well, that sounds very similar. Very, very... 154 00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,439 -Almost identical in fact... -Right. Yes. 155 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,160 ...to my Unify Policy that I was working on here 156 00:06:02,199 --> 00:06:03,759 until I was booted out by knicker-face. 157 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:05,279 -Right. Where is Jenni Murray? -No. 158 00:06:05,319 --> 00:06:06,319 Well, she's... I really wouldn't go in... 159 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:07,839 -Oh, God. Jesus! -NICOLA: Oh! 160 00:06:07,879 --> 00:06:09,879 Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. 161 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:12,160 What? An interview for what? FHM? What's she done to her face? 162 00:06:12,199 --> 00:06:14,279 She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. 163 00:06:14,319 --> 00:06:15,560 -Yeah. I really... -BEN: I'm very sorry again... 164 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,560 Let's not talk about it ever again. 165 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:18,839 I will forget... 166 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,800 -Right. What do you want? -...everything I've seen. 167 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,959 Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. 168 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,680 I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss 169 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,680 by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. 170 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,000 Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be 171 00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:35,000 sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to? 172 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,680 Yes. He's away. He's in Spain. 173 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:37,879 Just ignore Malcolm. 174 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:39,560 -Ignore Malcolm? -Yeah. What can he do? 175 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,439 Olly, mate. Olly, you're not answering your phone 176 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:44,600 and I'm getting really, really worried that you've hurt yourself. 177 00:06:44,639 --> 00:06:46,399 I just keep getting these terrible images 178 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:48,399 flashing in my head, you know. 179 00:06:48,439 --> 00:06:50,639 Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. 180 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,439 Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine 181 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,040 dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. 182 00:06:56,079 --> 00:06:57,399 Malcolm, I can explain. 183 00:06:57,439 --> 00:07:00,839 Olly, thank God that you're safe. 184 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,160 Sorry. 185 00:07:03,199 --> 00:07:05,079 That's from me, Cack Ephron. 186 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:06,600 What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? 187 00:07:06,639 --> 00:07:10,040 Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been 188 00:07:10,079 --> 00:07:11,639 nicking my policies, through Olly. 189 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:13,439 Is this true, the little man in the red and yellow car? 190 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:15,800 -No... -I've been told by Steve Fleming 191 00:07:15,839 --> 00:07:17,519 to think the unthinkable. 192 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,399 Well, listen, I am telling you to unthink the unthinkable. 193 00:07:20,439 --> 00:07:22,439 Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable. 194 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,519 -Why are you even here? -TERRI: Hello, Malcolm. 195 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,079 -Oh, you look a bit tired. -Yeah. You look incompetent. 196 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,000 Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. 197 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,439 Well, actually, Lucille Ballbag, 198 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,120 I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. 199 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,120 A bit late for that. 200 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,600 Terri, I fucking emailed you 201 00:07:39,639 --> 00:07:41,600 and I told you to move it to later because I wanted 202 00:07:41,639 --> 00:07:44,199 to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? 203 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:46,319 -Well... -And there it is. 204 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:49,000 It didn't fuck... It didn't fucking send. 205 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,000 -Ah! -It didn't send, right? 206 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,800 There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. 207 00:07:53,839 --> 00:07:55,720 -I'm sorry? -That's the one. 208 00:07:55,759 --> 00:07:58,519 That wasn't an apology. That was a "pardon? I'm sorry". 209 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,360 Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? 210 00:08:00,399 --> 00:08:03,040 Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. 211 00:08:03,079 --> 00:08:04,800 Big beast. 212 00:08:04,839 --> 00:08:07,000 Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. 213 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,920 Which is? 214 00:08:08,959 --> 00:08:10,600 Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like, it's like... 215 00:08:10,639 --> 00:08:12,480 -the break-up of The Beatles, right? -Hmm. 216 00:08:12,519 --> 00:08:14,480 During the fall of the Roman Empire, 217 00:08:14,519 --> 00:08:17,800 while fucking Jordan's getting divorced from that bloke. 218 00:08:17,839 --> 00:08:21,560 All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? 219 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:24,199 -Anyway, this interview, right? -Mmm-hmm. 220 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,600 -How did it go? -(STUTTERING) It's a small... 221 00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:28,800 -(PHONE RINGING) -Sorry, Malcolm. Can I...? Sorry. 222 00:08:28,839 --> 00:08:33,440 They wanted to talk Tom, and I said that he was the best man for the job. 223 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,080 Yeah, well, so what? I mean, it's the BBC. 224 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,120 It's not fucking Spare Rib,is it? 225 00:08:37,159 --> 00:08:39,720 I thought it might sound like I thought I was the best woman for the job. 226 00:08:39,759 --> 00:08:42,879 Listen, Nicola, no offence, but you're not leadership material, yeah? 227 00:08:42,919 --> 00:08:45,320 I mean, fucking curtain material in that outfit, but you know. 228 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,360 Right. The BBC have put it on the website. 229 00:08:48,399 --> 00:08:50,639 You saying that the PM's the best man for the job. 230 00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:52,440 -Shit. -Yeah. And they're saying 231 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:55,039 that you fired the starter pistol on a new leadership bid. 232 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,000 -OLLY: I've got it on here. -I mean, yes. Absolutely. 233 00:08:57,039 --> 00:08:59,720 At some point, I would love there to be a female leader. 234 00:08:59,759 --> 00:09:02,399 But I believe that the current Prime Minister 235 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,600 is absolutely the best man for the job. 236 00:09:04,639 --> 00:09:07,519 No! I said "person" and you went "huh" over it. 237 00:09:07,559 --> 00:09:09,399 -This is bad. -It wasn't on a microphone... 238 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,200 -It is fucking bad. -I know that. 239 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:14,360 Terri, get on to the BBC, fucking nuke them. 240 00:09:14,399 --> 00:09:17,159 -Nuke them and rebuke them. -Yep. Got it. 241 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,200 Malcolm, maybe we're making matters worse. 242 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:20,600 We're making them think we've got a live one. 243 00:09:20,639 --> 00:09:22,159 I just think we're overreacting. 244 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:23,759 No, no, no, no, no. 245 00:09:23,799 --> 00:09:26,159 We nip this in the fucking knackers now, okay? 246 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,879 It's been a wonderful experience here. 247 00:09:27,919 --> 00:09:29,879 I think I'll leave you all to it. My work here is done. 248 00:09:29,919 --> 00:09:31,799 Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no. You're staying here, mate. 249 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:33,720 I'm not staying here. You haven't even got biscuits here. 250 00:09:33,759 --> 00:09:37,360 You stay here, right? The situation's fucking febrile. 251 00:09:38,519 --> 00:09:40,000 You don't fucking know what febrile means. 252 00:09:40,039 --> 00:09:41,559 -No. -No, you don't. It means 253 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,799 there are going to be hysterical journalists, right? 254 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,799 Watching every fucking move we make. 255 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,679 So I want you unplugged from the mains until the danger's past. 256 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:51,639 TERRI: Right. There's a few journalists out there already. 257 00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:54,320 See? See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy. 258 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,799 Yeah. Well, not in here, it's not. 259 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,399 Don't panic, Orca. We'll get sandwiches, okay? 260 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:00,240 -How many are there there? -OLLY: Eight. 261 00:10:00,279 --> 00:10:02,360 Right. Eight constitutes a lockdown. 262 00:10:02,399 --> 00:10:04,240 Right, people, listen up! 263 00:10:04,279 --> 00:10:06,679 It's a fucking lockdown. Right now. 264 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:10,080 Oh, come off it. We're not in a prison drama, are we? 265 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:13,000 We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking Shawshank Redemption,right? 266 00:10:13,039 --> 00:10:15,679 But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption. 267 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:18,399 Right, people, nobody move. Right. Nobody move, 268 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,120 nobody gets fucking truncheoned in the face. 269 00:10:20,159 --> 00:10:21,840 This is a lockdown, right? 270 00:10:21,879 --> 00:10:25,799 What that means is this office is now an isolation unit. 271 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,279 Do not use the phones. 272 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:30,879 No fucking emails. No phones, Glenn. Come on. 273 00:10:30,919 --> 00:10:32,080 I've got to go. Bye. 274 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,720 -Terri? -Yes. 275 00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:35,799 -I'm here. -Get on the phone to the fucking BBC. 276 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,360 Come on. Everybody else, stay Chaplin. 277 00:10:38,399 --> 00:10:40,399 Is that trainers that she's wearing? 278 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,279 Are you wearing fucking trainers? You're supposed to be a civil servant, 279 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:43,879 not a fucking playgroup assistant. 280 00:10:43,919 --> 00:10:45,279 (MOBILE RINGING) 281 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:47,759 Steve, oh, the man himself. 282 00:10:47,799 --> 00:10:49,440 Yes, what is it? 283 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,480 It's like wet play, isn't it? 284 00:10:57,519 --> 00:10:59,159 Queen to knight four. 285 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,039 I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn. 286 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,120 I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something. 287 00:11:04,159 --> 00:11:05,399 -Do you mind? -Oh, what? 288 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:06,919 Can you not multitask, Deep Beige? 289 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,039 (CHUCKLES) 290 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:09,919 What, check? Oh! 291 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,039 -Fuck you. -Well, you know, 292 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,600 politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them. 293 00:11:15,639 --> 00:11:17,000 Excuse me. 294 00:11:17,039 --> 00:11:18,600 (JOURNALISTS CLAMOURING) 295 00:11:18,639 --> 00:11:22,200 Oh, that's what we need, yes. The one-man smarmy army. 296 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:23,799 Malcolm, is it George Alagiah? 297 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,240 -What? What? -NICOLA: Fuck. It's George Alagiah! 298 00:11:25,279 --> 00:11:27,200 -Is he here for me? -What? 299 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,120 George Alagiah's here for me. They're going to use everything now. 300 00:11:29,159 --> 00:11:31,200 It's just going to be a free-for-all. They're going to... 301 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,320 They're even going to dig out that picture of me at the sports day 302 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,919 looking like Catweazle with learning difficulties. 303 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,840 GLENN: "Nicola Murray will today later use a policy speech 304 00:11:38,879 --> 00:11:40,919 "to announce her candidacy." 305 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,919 Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. 306 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:46,879 Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? 307 00:11:46,919 --> 00:11:49,080 She's an idiot. 308 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:50,960 I know that she's in the cabinet, 309 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,200 but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? 310 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:57,360 I mean, she's very close to the action but hardly likely to score a goal. 311 00:11:57,399 --> 00:11:59,799 That... No! That... How is that offensive? 312 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,559 That is a very fair and accurate portrayal 313 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,559 of just how fucking retarded she is. 314 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,720 NICOLA: You're really enjoying this, aren't you, Ben? 315 00:12:07,759 --> 00:12:10,200 You haven't had this much fun since you went to Cadbury World. 316 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,080 Oh, come on, Nicola, you've got to admit, 317 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:14,080 from the outside, it's pretty funny. 318 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,600 I mean, the Prime Minister goes away 319 00:12:15,639 --> 00:12:17,600 and you're dressed up as one of the ThunderCats. 320 00:12:19,159 --> 00:12:20,799 (COUGHS) So awful, isn't it, 321 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,320 some of the things people write on these comments. 322 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:26,200 Oh! I mean, they are, totally. So cruel, isn't it? 323 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,320 "Nicola Murray is staging a leadership bid. 324 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,919 "Who is Nicola Murray? I have literally never heard of her. 325 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,799 "She doesn't exist." 326 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:38,559 "I would rather cut off my hands than vote for that disgrace." 327 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:41,879 "Does anyone else here think she looks like Heath Ledger 328 00:12:41,919 --> 00:12:43,679 "in The Dark Knight?" 329 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,440 Are you emailing? 330 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,320 Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today? 331 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,559 Did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk? 332 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:51,759 No. 333 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,879 -Yes, a bit. -What are you saying? 334 00:12:54,919 --> 00:12:57,720 Just, you know, "Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. 335 00:12:57,759 --> 00:13:00,279 "Have a look at this clip of her online staking her bid." 336 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,240 You treacherous shit. 337 00:13:02,279 --> 00:13:04,759 Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha. 338 00:13:04,799 --> 00:13:06,440 Why are you doing this? 339 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:10,360 Because I'm bored, it's funny and... and I hate you. 340 00:13:10,399 --> 00:13:12,399 There you are. The holy trinity of why. 341 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:16,120 Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion. 342 00:13:16,159 --> 00:13:18,120 -Right. Bit of good news. -What? 343 00:13:18,159 --> 00:13:20,799 -Two bits, actually. Um... -Enough. 344 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:24,480 Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. 345 00:13:24,519 --> 00:13:27,480 So, one at a time. Private Godfrey, get to your station. 346 00:13:27,519 --> 00:13:29,399 I want to hear what the word is on the street. 347 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,799 All right. "Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. 348 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,879 "Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid." 349 00:13:36,919 --> 00:13:39,799 Right. I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face 350 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,919 just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen. 351 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,519 And get myself a sandwich. I'm fucking starving. 352 00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:47,600 What did I just fucking say? What did I just fucking say? 353 00:13:47,639 --> 00:13:51,600 I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. 354 00:13:51,639 --> 00:13:55,240 I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking come. 355 00:13:55,279 --> 00:13:57,639 Stand the fuck up! 356 00:13:57,679 --> 00:13:59,639 Fucking move, right! 357 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,279 See that? Fucking play with that, right? 358 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,000 Never mind your fucking toys. Play with that. 359 00:14:05,039 --> 00:14:09,240 Go and stand in that fucking corner. Stand over there, right? 360 00:14:10,639 --> 00:14:12,080 And do not move 361 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,840 or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you 362 00:14:15,879 --> 00:14:19,879 with a fucking rusty spade and I'll have your kidneys for fucking cufflinks. 363 00:14:19,919 --> 00:14:22,440 Terri, good news, I believe. 364 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:25,679 You were about to tell us some good fucking news. 365 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:26,600 What the fuck is it? 366 00:14:26,639 --> 00:14:28,240 Right. Yeah, okay. 367 00:14:28,279 --> 00:14:32,000 Uh, well according to my online tracker, the pizza is here. 368 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:33,679 -Hooray! -And the second bit 369 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,759 is that The Mailis backing Nicola's leadership bid 370 00:14:36,799 --> 00:14:40,120 because of the stand she's taken against shoddy journalism at the BBC. 371 00:14:40,159 --> 00:14:42,840 What? No wonder George Alagiah's here. 372 00:14:42,879 --> 00:14:45,559 He'll probably come at me with a fucking Stanley knife. 373 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:50,120 I knew this would happen. I actually fucking said this would happen, Malcolm. 374 00:14:50,159 --> 00:14:52,039 What do we do now? 375 00:14:52,879 --> 00:14:54,200 Hello? Say something. 376 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:56,399 (MOBILE RINGING) 377 00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:59,200 Oh, Steve. Hi, there. 378 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,960 I'm going to slip into a diabetic coma at this rate. 379 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,279 -(MOBILE PHONE RINGING) -Shit! 380 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,200 Better take this elsewhere. 381 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,399 OLLY: Hey, Ben, sorry you don't have your magic drawer any more. 382 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,159 -I think I might. I think I do. -What? 383 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,759 -Fuck, if it's still there... -It's been four months, Ben, 384 00:15:11,799 --> 00:15:13,279 it can't still be there. 385 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:14,679 Well, who's going to know? Look, I've hidden it... 386 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,879 OLLY: Well, I know. BEN: (LAUGHS) Get in! 387 00:15:16,919 --> 00:15:19,679 -Sweet giver of blood sugar. Mmm. -TERRI: Right. 388 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:23,399 I'm going to go down personally and pick up the pizza myself. 389 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,879 Can you do savoury after sweet? Is that... 390 00:15:25,919 --> 00:15:28,080 -Yes. -Right. Okay. 391 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,720 Tom is as mad as a dickless dog. Right? 392 00:15:30,759 --> 00:15:34,399 He is specifically very, very fucking angry at you, Nicola. 393 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:37,080 -Oh, fantastic. -Uh, then we should cancel tonight? 394 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:38,639 -Tonight? What's tonight? -OLLY: Well, 395 00:15:38,679 --> 00:15:39,960 -it's the Fourth Sector... -It's the Fourth Sector... 396 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,159 It's my Fourth Sector launch. 397 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:42,519 Are these going down to the room? 398 00:15:42,559 --> 00:15:44,200 Don't fuck with that... Just fucking... 399 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:46,440 -I thought you... -One at a time, right? 400 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,440 Terri, get the minister's car. Downstairs. Right now. 401 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,440 -Right. Why? -Right. Never mind fucking why. 402 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,320 Just fucking do it, Holly Golightly. Come on. 403 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:56,320 Nicola, I want you to go down there 404 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,840 and I just want you to pretend that you've got an appointment to go to. 405 00:15:58,879 --> 00:16:01,039 And this is what you say, right? 406 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,919 -Say? -You are not challenging Tom at all. 407 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,600 -Oh, fuck. -Tom is the man 408 00:16:05,639 --> 00:16:08,360 to lead the country through this difficult crisis, right? 409 00:16:08,399 --> 00:16:10,399 Tom is the man of the moment. 410 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,000 Then you get in your car and you just fucking drive about, 411 00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:16,360 go and do some sightseeing or attach a hose pipe to the exhaust, whatever. 412 00:16:16,399 --> 00:16:19,159 Nicola Murray is fucking coming, okay? 413 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,519 See, you? 414 00:16:20,559 --> 00:16:22,080 Get me a fucking Curly Wurly, right? 415 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,600 -Would you like a bit of concealer? -No. No. 416 00:16:24,639 --> 00:16:26,679 This is it. It's going to work. Okay, get out there. 417 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,360 -He's the man of the moment. -You've got the confidence. That's it. 418 00:16:28,399 --> 00:16:29,639 -He's the man of the moment. -Look at that gait. 419 00:16:29,679 --> 00:16:31,240 -I'll be there. -You can't buy that. 420 00:16:31,279 --> 00:16:33,039 That's fucking class. Nicola Murray is back. 421 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,480 She's back. She's back on track. 422 00:16:35,519 --> 00:16:37,440 It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. 423 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,919 Look, a Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder. 424 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,159 Your hands have got bigger. 425 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,799 I'm going for it. Okay... 426 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:44,159 JOURNALISTS: Mrs Murray... 427 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,360 (ALL CLAMOURING) 428 00:16:46,399 --> 00:16:48,519 REPORTER 1: Does the Prime Minister have your full support? 429 00:16:48,559 --> 00:16:50,120 NICOLA: He absolutely does. Yes. 430 00:16:50,159 --> 00:16:51,879 REPORTER 2: So does Mr Cullen have your support, too? 431 00:16:51,919 --> 00:16:53,519 Uh... Uh, sorry. What? 432 00:16:53,559 --> 00:16:55,840 Glenn Cullen. Are you backing his campaign to be an MP? 433 00:16:55,879 --> 00:16:57,000 NICOLA: I don't know what that's about. 434 00:16:57,039 --> 00:16:58,519 (CHUCKLES) Glenn? 435 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,000 -Who are you backing? -There is nothing. 436 00:17:00,039 --> 00:17:02,159 I'm backing the Prime Minister. 437 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:06,079 The Prime Minister is absolutely the right man for the moment. 438 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:07,599 -Not for the moment. -For the moment? 439 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,400 That's the worst possible thing that you could say here. 440 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:10,960 Terri, get the dozy giblet back in here. 441 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,279 Get her back in here. Don't let her get in the car. 442 00:17:13,319 --> 00:17:15,039 You've got to come back out. Malcolm says... 443 00:17:15,079 --> 00:17:17,599 -Shit. -We've got pizza in there. 444 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:18,799 Thank you. 445 00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:20,160 REPORTER 3: Have you changed your mind? 446 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,519 Does he have your full backing? 447 00:17:21,559 --> 00:17:23,000 Yes, I do. The Prime Minister, as I said, 448 00:17:23,039 --> 00:17:24,920 is the right man for the moment. 449 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,559 Oh, not again. 450 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,640 First class media work there. 451 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,599 -TERRI: Pizza! -Ooh! Good. 452 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,200 -Well done. -That was utterly humiliating. 453 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,759 -For fuck's sake, Malcolm! -Shouldn't that be "of fuck's sake"? 454 00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:44,240 -I don't know what you're taking about. -May I just quote it to you? 455 00:17:44,279 --> 00:17:47,200 "The Prime Minister is the right man for the moment." 456 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:48,680 Yeah. That's what you told me to say. 457 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,799 Of the moment. Of the moment. I told you to say 458 00:17:50,839 --> 00:17:52,440 of the fucking moment. 459 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:54,079 It's a huge difference between me saying to you, 460 00:17:54,119 --> 00:17:57,200 "Nicola, I would like to go for a lovely walk with you" 461 00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:01,599 and, "Nicola, I would like to make a hat out of your fucking entrails." 462 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:02,640 (MOBILE RINGS) 463 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:03,799 Excuse me. 464 00:18:03,839 --> 00:18:05,240 Steven. 465 00:18:05,279 --> 00:18:07,319 Yes. Well, you can tell Tom right now 466 00:18:07,359 --> 00:18:10,119 that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? 467 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:11,359 You, Glenn. So, here's a thing. 468 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:12,880 Apparently, you're going to be an MP. 469 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,200 You didn't talk to me about that. 470 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,119 Glenn's not standing, don't be silly. 471 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,519 -Go on, tell her. -Go on. Tell me more. 472 00:18:17,559 --> 00:18:19,319 Terri, can I just get a word in? 473 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:20,799 Look at this, takeaway and a fight. 474 00:18:20,839 --> 00:18:23,000 All I need now is a hand job in a bus shelter, 475 00:18:23,039 --> 00:18:24,920 -I've had the great British night out. -Oh! 476 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,400 Excuse me. I'm off for a doze. 477 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,079 Nicola, I know we're not allowed to take any calls 478 00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:30,599 but this is your husband. 479 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:31,960 Fine. Thank you. 480 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,759 James. Do you actually even know me, James? 481 00:18:34,799 --> 00:18:36,960 Do you even know who I am? 482 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,920 I think it's shut-up time now, James. 483 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:43,279 So one last thing. When I promised to love, honour and obey you, 484 00:18:43,319 --> 00:18:45,720 it was a massive practical joke! 485 00:18:48,039 --> 00:18:49,880 -Hi. Yes. -Sorry, Nicola. 486 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,440 Just a quick cup of coffee. 487 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:54,720 How is your husband? Um... Sounds a bit upset, is he? 488 00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:58,440 Upset? No. He wants me to stand. He thinks this is fucking great. 489 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:01,599 He just wants to show off about me to the rugby club dinner. 490 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,000 "Hello, everybody. This is my wife, the Prime Minister." 491 00:19:04,039 --> 00:19:06,920 "Hello, JB, have you met my wife, the Prime Minister? 492 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,000 "How's your wife, the little lady?" 493 00:19:09,039 --> 00:19:10,599 It's nice that he's being supportive. 494 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,880 He's not being supportive, he's... 495 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,400 James is... 496 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,240 He is not a supporting wall. 497 00:19:16,279 --> 00:19:18,400 He is a partition 498 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,319 and I'm going to have him knocked through. 499 00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:23,319 Nicola, I'm going to take off my media hat. 500 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:25,519 I honestly never thought you had one. 501 00:19:25,559 --> 00:19:28,200 Have you thought about couples counselling? 502 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:32,720 Uh, yes. Look, uh, James 503 00:19:32,759 --> 00:19:35,599 will not go to Relate 504 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:39,000 and even if he did, George Alagiah would be outside 505 00:19:39,039 --> 00:19:41,440 with a big News 24cup pressed against the wall, so... 506 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,400 Well, you know, it can work wonders. 507 00:19:45,839 --> 00:19:48,079 Can it? Okay. 508 00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:49,759 You're speaking from experience, are you? 509 00:19:49,799 --> 00:19:51,799 Oh, well, I mean... 510 00:19:51,839 --> 00:19:54,720 I mean, I keep my professional life very, very separate from my home life, 511 00:19:54,759 --> 00:19:55,880 -obviously, I mean... -Yeah. 512 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,759 You know, I always say, 513 00:19:57,799 --> 00:19:59,839 "What goes on behind my front door stays behind my front door." 514 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,599 -I mean, that is my motto. So... -Yeah. 515 00:20:03,759 --> 00:20:06,279 Uh, my motto would be... 516 00:20:06,319 --> 00:20:08,279 Could I have another cup of coffee, Terri? 517 00:20:08,319 --> 00:20:10,200 Well, I just did bring you a cup. 518 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,880 Yeah, I got that one. Registered that and would love another one. 519 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,400 It's just that kind of a day. 520 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:18,200 -Right. Where's Hale and Pacemaker? -Who? 521 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:19,599 Glenn and fucking Olly. Where are they? 522 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:20,920 I don't know. 523 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,640 I need them back here, anyway, for the launch. 524 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,000 For the launch? 525 00:20:24,039 --> 00:20:26,160 The launch. The Fourth, the Fourth... 526 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,440 The Fourth Sector launch, Malcolm. Jesus! 527 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,079 You're about as on the ball today as a dead seal! 528 00:20:31,119 --> 00:20:32,400 Hey, that's one of my fucking lines. 529 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,279 There is a launch party tonight. 530 00:20:34,319 --> 00:20:37,599 A load of press are coming and I haven't even started my speech. 531 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,240 I don't know how to start my speech. 532 00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:41,039 Just fucking start with a joke. 533 00:20:41,079 --> 00:20:42,279 -They all like a joke. -Oh, great. I'll start with a joke. 534 00:20:42,319 --> 00:20:44,079 Great advice. Thanks, Malcolm. 535 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,599 Malcolm, this launch, 536 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,519 is it something that should really happen? 537 00:20:48,559 --> 00:20:51,200 We can't cancel it, can we? But she can't do this. 538 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,920 There's no fucking way that she can do this. 539 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,559 It's too fucking hot, right? 540 00:20:54,599 --> 00:20:56,559 We'll have to get a stunt double. 541 00:20:56,599 --> 00:20:57,640 Ben. 542 00:20:58,160 --> 00:20:59,400 Ben, yes. 543 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,039 He can do it in drag. It'll be fine. 544 00:21:01,079 --> 00:21:03,559 I mean, Nicola's been looking like a fucking tranny, anyway. 545 00:21:03,599 --> 00:21:06,079 I really don't think that's a good idea, Malcolm. 546 00:21:06,119 --> 00:21:07,680 Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? 547 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,759 When I need your advice, I'll give you the special signal, 548 00:21:09,799 --> 00:21:12,519 which is me being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act. 549 00:21:12,559 --> 00:21:15,240 Ben, let me help you. Um, what about some makeup? 550 00:21:15,279 --> 00:21:16,759 No, I don't want any of your bloody makeup. 551 00:21:16,799 --> 00:21:18,759 What, are you on commission or something? 552 00:21:18,799 --> 00:21:20,880 All right. Well, that's it. That's my Fourth Sector speech. 553 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:22,400 -OLLY: Do you want me to take it... -Not so fast. 554 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:24,200 No, no. I'm sorry, Nicola. 555 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,240 -Malcolm, they see me... -No, you're not doing the launch. 556 00:21:26,279 --> 00:21:28,559 I can't have you launching things at this moment in time. Come on. 557 00:21:28,599 --> 00:21:30,480 -Malcolm, I have to do this. -Get the fuck back. 558 00:21:30,519 --> 00:21:32,359 -I know. I'm sorry. -Who else is going to launch it? 559 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,240 Ben's going to be announcing the Fourth Sector tonight. 560 00:21:34,279 --> 00:21:35,920 -No, no, no, no, no, no. -Yes. 561 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,839 Although it might be difficult to smash a champagne bottle 562 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:38,920 on a turd. 563 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,359 (ALL ARGUING) 564 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,599 Can I just... Just let me try and communicate here. 565 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:44,279 -Oh. -Malcolm. 566 00:21:44,319 --> 00:21:46,240 It's hard for me to say this, uh, but I'm afraid 567 00:21:46,279 --> 00:21:49,200 the thing is, a lot of calls you've made today, 568 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,759 they've been off, wrong. 569 00:21:51,799 --> 00:21:53,279 Not the right calls. 570 00:21:53,319 --> 00:21:55,119 (STAMMERING) Okay. I'll give you some examples 571 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,200 'cause I can see that that's tough. 572 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,000 Okay, first one, you didn't even send that email. 573 00:22:00,039 --> 00:22:02,160 It was still in drafts, okay? 574 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:05,519 Then secondly, it was you that told me to make that big attack on the BBC. 575 00:22:05,559 --> 00:22:07,799 -NICOLA: That's right. -And I'm afraid we did look silly 576 00:22:07,839 --> 00:22:10,920 running around outside, getting in and out of a car. 577 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,559 I mean, look, Malcolm, I know that, you know, 578 00:22:12,599 --> 00:22:14,400 Steve Fleming's come back on the scene. 579 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,880 Are you feeling emasculated by that? Is it... 580 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,119 It's like you're a catherine wheel and you fell off the stick. 581 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:22,519 You're going... 582 00:22:23,279 --> 00:22:25,160 But not in the right way. 583 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:28,400 Um, I think you're wrong, Malcolm. 584 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,079 You're like a sultana in a salad. 585 00:22:36,839 --> 00:22:38,720 Terri, can we have a word? 586 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,440 (WHISPERS) Fucking hell. 587 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:50,799 How fucking dare you? 588 00:22:50,839 --> 00:22:54,279 Have you any idea of the amount of pressure 589 00:22:54,319 --> 00:22:57,079 that has been exerted on my skull, huh? 590 00:22:57,119 --> 00:22:58,759 It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied 591 00:22:58,799 --> 00:23:00,680 into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. 592 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,359 Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets that contain 593 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,960 my living, breathing fucking brain. 594 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,200 Malcolm, I'm really sorry. I... 595 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:10,440 And these crisp packets, cheese and onion, 596 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:14,119 smoky bacon, have been stomped on. 597 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:16,240 They've been fucking stomped on! 598 00:23:16,279 --> 00:23:17,720 Ben, fucking Nicola... 599 00:23:17,759 --> 00:23:21,039 -I didn't mean to be horrid. -And fucking you! 600 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,400 I'm sorry. 601 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,200 -I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -I'm sorry. 602 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,640 No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise. 603 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:33,160 Don't you fucking apologise. You don't need to apologise. 604 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,240 I love this place. I do. 605 00:23:35,279 --> 00:23:39,279 I mean, fucking, compared to Number 10, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? 606 00:23:39,319 --> 00:23:43,279 Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean, it's like a fucking cancer ward. 607 00:23:43,319 --> 00:23:45,839 I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. 608 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:48,559 They are screaming, "You gave me this fucking disease." 609 00:23:48,599 --> 00:23:50,519 "You gave me this fucking disease." 610 00:23:50,559 --> 00:23:54,319 And every corner that I turn there's another threat, Terri. 611 00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:57,319 Hacks, hacks, fucking vampire hacks. 612 00:23:57,359 --> 00:23:59,319 And they're slaughtering us, Terri. 613 00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:02,079 They are fucking slaughtering us and they want my face for a flannel! 614 00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:04,039 -Yeah. -And you know what? 615 00:24:04,079 --> 00:24:07,960 I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri. I used to be the fucking pharaoh. 616 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,559 Mmm. 617 00:24:09,599 --> 00:24:14,480 Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit. 618 00:24:14,519 --> 00:24:17,160 But I am going to fashion a paddle out of that shit. 619 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,079 -Yeah? -Mmm. 620 00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:21,359 -Good idea. -I'm not going down. 621 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:24,440 I am not going down. Yeah? 622 00:24:25,599 --> 00:24:27,039 (SOFTLY) Yeah. 623 00:24:27,079 --> 00:24:28,440 How are you feeling about things? 624 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,599 Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, 625 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:34,799 you know, make sure I can still get home by 6:00. 626 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,599 -Do you want a huggle? -No, I think... 627 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,559 That's nice of you. I really appreciate it. 628 00:24:40,599 --> 00:24:42,039 Terri, it's been nice to have a chat but I have to get on. 629 00:24:42,079 --> 00:24:43,400 -Okay. -Yeah. 630 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,440 -Let's get back on track. -Get back on track. 631 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:48,799 -As they say, right? -Remind me to use that phrase. 632 00:24:48,839 --> 00:24:52,759 All righty-o. Okay, Nicola, can I see you in your office, please? 633 00:24:52,799 --> 00:24:54,359 What did he say? 634 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:56,839 I don't know. It was all about ancient Egypt. 635 00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:58,240 -Ancient Egypt? -Yeah. 636 00:24:58,279 --> 00:24:59,640 The Fourth Sector? 637 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:03,480 What is the Fourth Sector, you seem to ask? 638 00:25:03,519 --> 00:25:05,599 A good question. That's a really good question. 639 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:10,039 I reply. Well, let's start at the... 640 00:25:11,319 --> 00:25:14,599 Ben is doing the best he can. 641 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:15,799 Oh, shit, is he? 642 00:25:15,839 --> 00:25:18,079 There are four... 643 00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:19,240 The Fourth... There are four sectors. 644 00:25:19,279 --> 00:25:21,599 Imagine a cake that has been... 645 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,200 that has been cut into four slices. 646 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,319 The Cake of Good Hope. 647 00:25:30,079 --> 00:25:31,400 -(WHISPERING) Malcolm... -No. 648 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:32,880 -I'm going to go for it. Yes, I am. -No, no. 649 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:34,680 -Are you sure that's wise? -Cover me. All right? 650 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:37,240 No. Nicola, no. 651 00:25:37,279 --> 00:25:38,680 Now, I really should be wearing my trainers. 652 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,000 Nicola! Nicola, no! 653 00:25:40,039 --> 00:25:42,160 Nicola, no! 654 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:44,279 Will make a valuable... 655 00:25:44,319 --> 00:25:45,880 make a valuable contribution to society 656 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:49,680 with all four sectors of the cake. And here... 657 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:54,000 Here is Nicola Murray to tell you more. 658 00:25:54,039 --> 00:25:56,839 -Nicola Murray. -Hello. Hi. 659 00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:00,559 No need to stand, as the PM said to me this morning. 660 00:26:00,599 --> 00:26:02,079 (CHUCKLES) 661 00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:04,160 A colleague of mine said you should always start with a joke. 662 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:06,240 And, uh... One other thing. 663 00:26:06,279 --> 00:26:09,039 Just about earlier on, with the... the thing with the car, 664 00:26:09,079 --> 00:26:10,519 that was all a bit odd. 665 00:26:10,559 --> 00:26:12,640 The explanation is I suffer from car sickness. 666 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:16,160 And sometimes I get ill even in a stationary car. 667 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:20,599 Uh, I actually once threw up watching an edition of Top Gear. 668 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,000 But that was chiefly 'cause I don't like Jeremy Paxman. 669 00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:24,759 Uh, Clarkson, isn't it? 670 00:26:24,799 --> 00:26:26,480 (CHUCKLES) Anyway, 671 00:26:26,519 --> 00:26:29,160 the Fourth Sector is something I feel very passionate about. 672 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,319 So let me try and explain it to you. 673 00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:34,319 I don't know if Ben's talked to you about the cake image. 674 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:36,279 Let's imagine I'm a mum, 'cause I am, 675 00:26:36,319 --> 00:26:39,400 and I'm trying to bake a cake for my children. 676 00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:42,000 And my aim is to bake a cake 677 00:26:42,039 --> 00:26:44,039 that actually can consume itself, 678 00:26:44,079 --> 00:26:47,000 'cause that in a sense is what the Fourth Sector is doing. 679 00:26:47,039 --> 00:26:50,880 We're baking a self-eating cake. 680 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,400 I've written a couple of other things which I can't quite read, 681 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,279 uh, because I've written them in a hurry. 682 00:26:55,319 --> 00:26:57,519 So, the point is this leaflet tells you all you need to know, 683 00:26:57,559 --> 00:26:59,319 actually, you don't need me wittering. 684 00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:01,400 So why don't you help yourself to the literature. 685 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:03,440 Help yourself to... We haven't got a cake, but... 686 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:07,880 Uh, 'cause it's eaten itself, but we have got nuts. 687 00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:11,119 Sorry, sorry. We haven't got any nuts. We've just got Skips. 688 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:13,440 -We've got no nuts. DoSAC has no nuts. -And some Twiglets. 689 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:16,559 There's a headline. Please don't use it. 690 00:27:17,599 --> 00:27:19,240 Ah. 691 00:27:19,279 --> 00:27:21,480 Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? 692 00:27:21,519 --> 00:27:22,799 Nope. 693 00:27:22,839 --> 00:27:25,759 Well, uh, more good news. 694 00:27:25,799 --> 00:27:30,319 I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed 695 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,839 by the U-boat that was you. 696 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:36,000 The selection committee 697 00:27:36,039 --> 00:27:40,839 decided that my association with you was too divisive. 698 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:42,799 OLLY: The dream is over, eh? 699 00:27:42,839 --> 00:27:44,640 I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. 700 00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:47,599 Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. 701 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:53,000 By flying so close to your bright Sun, like Icarus I have crashed to the Earth, 702 00:27:53,039 --> 00:27:54,240 and died. 703 00:27:54,279 --> 00:27:55,920 Nicola, I've got to tell you, 704 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,920 that was one of the best live performances I've ever seen. 705 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:00,319 And I've seen fucking Stomp! 706 00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:03,640 It was a consummate piece of fucking incompetence. 707 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:07,079 Yeah, that's what I thought I'd do, take the heat off. 708 00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:09,039 (CLEARING THROAT) The blog's updating. 709 00:28:09,079 --> 00:28:11,599 Am I still a leadership contender? 710 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,240 Nope. Not at all. 711 00:28:14,279 --> 00:28:16,359 Well, good. Good. 712 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:18,759 -Not even an outsider? -No. 713 00:28:18,799 --> 00:28:21,279 What are they saying? 714 00:28:21,319 --> 00:28:24,880 You don't really want to know what they're saying. Not exactly 715 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:26,000 what they're saying. Sorry. 716 00:28:26,039 --> 00:28:27,799 NICOLA: What a fucking day! 717 00:28:27,839 --> 00:28:30,920 MALCOLM: Ladies and gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over, 718 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:33,200 please mop up your shit and fuck off home. 719 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:37,359 Good news, BBC is gonna issue an apology for the way they edited the video. 720 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,839 MALCOLM: The BB fucking C, yeah, 721 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:42,759 I mean, they crumble at the first sign of pressure, like an old woman's hip. 722 00:28:42,799 --> 00:28:45,279 That's why they've got a fucking programme called Sorry! 723 00:28:45,319 --> 00:28:47,319 Right, the PM is coming home early, 724 00:28:47,359 --> 00:28:51,519 and he's asked for an audience with SenorMalcolm Tucker. 725 00:28:51,559 --> 00:28:54,200 So I'm getting my paddle, Terri, I'm getting my paddle. 726 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:56,200 Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh? 727 00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:58,680 -Yeah, sure. -Make sure that Ben does. 728 00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:02,279 Oh, and Glenn... Glenn, I've got a very special task for you, 729 00:29:02,319 --> 00:29:04,839 -my unelectable friend. -What's that? 730 00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:07,240 Turn the fucking phones back on. 731 00:29:07,839 --> 00:29:09,720 OLLY: Night, Malcolm.